Addiction in Love and Relationships

In ancient Greece, they had no fewer than five words to describe different kinds of love.  Eros was used to describe passionate, romantic love, whereas philia was the loyal love of friendship.  Agape described altruistic giving, storge natural affection, and thelema, the will or desire for something.  In English, although we have plenty of words to describe different aspects of love (devotion, passion, worship, lust, and affection, just to name a few), we only have the one word to describe love itself.

Addiction is an ever-increasing problem in our society.  The word comes from the root addictio, which indicates a surrender.  Nowadays, we define it as being a slave to someone or something, to form a habit to an extent that there is significant and lasting effects.  Addiction m[a]y damage psychological development, which can in turn lead to neurosis.  Addictive love and addictive relationships develop in a much different way than healthy relationships, and a failure to notice this can lead us down a very dark road indeed.  In some cases, addictive relationships can even become dangerous to the people involved in them.

This idea of addictive love being in another category falls perfectly in line with the brilliant observation of spiritual leader and author Thomas Moore: addictive behavior is simply us distorting and misinterpreting the longing in our souls.  From the time we are children, we learn unconscious behaviors to help us deal with our longings, and over time if we don’t get in touch with who we really are and what we really need and want, we can easily fall right back into those self-destructive patterns that we originally formed as a way to give ourselves comfort.  Externally referenced “object love” is in this category, and if we’re not carefully keeping an eye on things, this can lead to unhealthy love patterns and potentially addictive relationships.

But it’s not that repetition itself is the thing to avoid, and in fact we rely on repetition sometimes to propel ourselves toward success.  The problem is actually when the repetitious behavior is harmful or destructive.  If we notice ourselves engaging in these patterns, it’s an instant opportunity to examine ourselves and learn something.

Yes, this method can seem kind of dull if you find yourself drawn toward troublemakers, and find life in the dramatic fast lane much more fun.  But that sort of “fun” tends to be temporary, as the novelty of relationship addiction wears off.  Here are some things to ask yourself—if you can’t spot addiction so readily:

• Is there anything about your relationship that seems exciting in a forbidden way?
• Do [you] feel worried or anxious, if you don’t know where this person is?
• Do you immediately feel an endorphin rush when they finally do contact you?
• Do your feelings for this person seem to be larger than life?
• Do you find yourself deviating from your normal behavior when you’re around this person?
• Do you try extra hard to be sexy, likable, or accommodating in an effort to keep this person interested?
• Are this person’s values and behaviors fundamentally dissimilar to yours?
• Are you continually finding more and more ways to rationalize their actions?
• Do you make excuses to stay even though you know your relationship is unhealthy or even dangerous?
• Does staying in this relationship negatively affect your other relationships, for example with family or friends?
• Do you find yourself feeling empty or unfulfilled as the relationship has developed?
• Do you stay even though you know deep down that this is not the right person for you?

If you think you may be in an addictive relationship, having the courage to raise your self-awareness is an admirable first step.  Keep your wits about you, and maybe start keeping a journal to keep yourself honest.  If your relationship is heading from dependent to addictive, you can certainly find people to help you.  Organizations like Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous are designed to help all kinds of men and women get their love lives to a healthy place, and develop good relationship habits.  Try out your local chapter and see how having that kind of support can work for you.

Maryanne’s teaching another emotional and physical self-defense workshop in Santa Rosa, CA along with karate black belts. Can’t get to Maryanne in person? Her new DVD series, launched this week gives you personal, expert relationship advice from the comfort of your own home. Discover: Six critical tools for your relationship tool belt, which of your relationship patterns are destroying your chances for having a great relationship, why having sex too soon can be a deal breaker—and more!